By Linda Swabey
I mentioned to Vic the other day that I would write a ‘blog’ for Inside my Head, I knew from the minute I thought it and said it I would struggle.
Vic said it would be nice to do it as everyone is probably bored of reading what she has to say…… as if!! Unlike my two amazing daughters, the written word doesn’t come easily to me. Vic’s advice was just put down what comes into your head; well, that’s where my problem begins. Everything comes into my head as disjointed bits of information which have no sense of connectivity whatsoever. So, I’ll give it a try anyway and hope I don’t drive you all crazy. By the way, if I do, Vic I’m sure will return with the next blog. What would I do without her!! xxx
As anyone reading this will know, Anna died in September 2016 and we’ll be coming up to her 30th birthday in July and the ‘5 year’ anniversary of her death in September. All relevant numbers which we mark, but everyday since she died has been a ‘number’. I’ve just noticed that number begins with the word ‘numb’ which is how I’d describe myself at certain times. Funny how things like that suddenly jump out at you.
COPING WITH GRIEF
I’ve read and listened to bereavement advice about how to cope with grief, how it’s different for everyone, how you have to give yourself time, how you have to focus on all the happy memories of your loved one, how you have to live your life to the full in memory of the person you’ve lost, how to take each day as it comes and not to beat yourself up if you have a sad day, how you will eventually move on. Well, I try, and I’ll never stop trying to live ……… almost finished the sentence there as that is so true, you do have to try and live, some days you just have to try and breathe. It hurts and I know it will always hurt. The pain of losing anyone you love is so difficult to describe but losing a child is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
There are many phrases used to describe losing a child – ‘The wrong order of things’, ‘I’d give up my own life’, ‘no parent should have to bury a child’, ‘I’d take her place in a heartbeat’ and they’re all true, but it still doesn’t describe the intense pain and heartache endured every minute of every day. Anna has left a huge void in our lives, all our lives. She was an incredible human being with an enormous amount of strength and courage, and I find myself tapping into that to keep me from falling apart.
I am so fortunate to have a very loving family around me who are all dealing with their own grief as well as mine! I’ve tried to be strong for them and I do hope I haven’t put too much pressure on them. As a family we talk about Anna all the time and that has been quite natural to us all. I haven’t wanted Anna’s battle with her illness and subsequent death and our ongoing commitment to raise awareness and funds for research into brain tumours, to overshadow their lives, their achievements and make them feel as if they’re in the background. They certainly are not, they are in my life and in my dreams and hope for an amazing future for them all. I understand that the next generation, my great granddaughter, Heidi Anna, will live her life not having met Anna, but I know her mum, Amber, will be able to share lovely memories with her as she grows into another beautiful, strong and caring young lady.
Something funny has just popped into my head, I have a Cousin Lesley, who by the way has been my rock and I love her dearly; she was talking about my mum, Aunty Gladys, to her son James and he suddenly asked who she was. Well! Les was hopping mad that he didn’t remember her until she realised he was born 3 months after she died! The reason I mention this is the fact that I do struggle with the fact that Anna will be unknown to the next generation of our family. It scares me; I don’t want her to be forgotten, I want her to be talked about, I want her life to have meant something to us all. I’m crying now so I can’t see my screen……. Time for a little break xxxx
PART2:
I wish I could dream of Anna; it just hasn’t happened for me. I kiss her photo and talk to her each evening before I go to sleep and the first thing I do when I wake. I have come close in my dreams, thinking she’s in front of me with her long blond hair, and she turns, only for it to be another member of the family. I suppose it could be a way of helping you to cope with the pain, I don’t know. I’ve spoken to others who have lost their child and it isn’t necessarily the case for everyone. Perhaps I’m too desperate and needing it too much. I can look at photos and smile, but I do struggle to watch recordings of Anna speaking, moving, singing and laughing. It breaks my heart but I’m hoping one day it will be a huge comfort to sit and spend time watching her on the screen.
NO MORE PHOTOS:
The reason for the title ‘No more photos’ is because of a thought I had recently which nearly floored me. I’m not a regular contributor to Facebook, I just like to keep in touch with the family and see all the photos for birthdays and celebrations, but I suddenly came to realise that we would only have a limited number of photos for Anna. How silly is that!! It’s obvious, but why did it suddenly hit me and feel like such a tragedy. We have hundreds and hundreds of photos, videos etc but we’re unable to add to the collection.
It really is silly things like this that suddenly come out of the blue and knock you back. I’m sure there’ll be other things to come and I know I’ll never be ready for it, I don’t think you can be or someone would have written a manual by now. Just a word of warning, make sure you treasure your photos, they are so important. I know I’m very old fashioned and a bit of a technophobe, well more than a bit!! I still print my photographs, I love seeing them, handling them, I feel so much closer to Anna in a printed photo than looking at a photo on my phone; strange I know. I gave a ‘photobook’of ‘Heidi Anna’s first year’, as a Christmas present to Amber and Morgan. I loved it, I hope they did too. I’m hoping to continue with it as a regular gift for many years to come; we have to hold on to our memories.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH HER:
I did warn you this blog would be random thoughts popping into my head – Anna’s ashes. We still have them at home. We did come very close to scattering them in 2019 but it’s my fault we didn’t go ahead. We’ve had many conversations as a family about what to do, internment in a plot or scattering the ashes in a relevant place, discussing all the pro’s and cons involved with each suggestion.
We eventually came to a decision to scatter Anna’s ashes on the beach at Holy Island. Keith and I love Holy Island, our first visit took place just after Anna had been diagnosed; we found a lot of comfort from the peacefulness, serenity and remoteness of the Island. We talked it over with the family and we all decided to spend a few days in the area to see if we all agreed on the location. It’s really important to us that the children and grandchildren agreed as they would be revisiting for a long time to come. All agreed and we planned it, only for me to back out at the last minute. I was unable to let her go, to say what seemed to me to be a final ‘goodbye’. Again, a very silly reaction from me and I really can’t explain the reasoning to you, I can’t even explain it to myself. I have such an amazing family that they all agreed to wait until I feel ready. How I feel at the momentis that I want to keep her with me until it’s my time to go and then Anna and I can be scattered at the same time! I do feel very selfish and I know it isn’t solely my decision to make, they should all have the opportunity visit a place where they can remember their daughter, sister, aunty, niece, and to visit a special place to spend time with Anna. I’m really hoping this year could be the right time…… watch this space. I know Anna wouldn’t want to stay in a cupboard!! Bless her heart.
AND THEN THERE WAS COVID
I feel unable to write this blog without mentioning Covid-19. The pandemic has changed all our lives forever, whether you’ve suffered or are still suffering from the disease or whether, tragically, you have lost someone you love. I struggle to comprehend the pain of losing a loved one to Covid, being unable to sit by their side, to offer love and comfort and to hold their hand and be with them at the end. We had the enormous privilege of being with Anna at the end and my thoughts go out to anyone who has lost a loved one and was unable to be with them.
I also think about how we would have coped if Anna’s illness had happened during this pandemic. We attended all her hospital appointments for scans, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, operations and visits to Consultants; nothing was delayed, she had the best possible care and treatment which prolonged her life from an initial prognosis of 3 months to 20 months. It’s unthinkable to me how we would have coped if treatment had been delayed at any stage.
BRAIN TUMOURS ARE STILL HERE!
Brain Tumours are still around as are all cancers, I just hope a diagnosis and delayed treatment doesn’t come too late for some. We still, as a family, involve ourselves in fundraising, albeit, not so much in the current climate. It’s been heart-warming to see the various high profile fundraising which has taken place during the pandemic and I’m amazed at people’s generosity during these difficult times. However, some charities are fighting for the depleted ‘charity funding’ available. Brain Tumour Research still needs as much money to continue to fund their ongoing research into finding a cure. As soon as we’re able to do so, we will be holding a charity event to boost the fund and I hope some of you will be able to attend or if not, be able to help with a small donation to Anna’s Just Giving Page for BTRC.
LIFE GOES ON…
…it most certainly does. A different life in many ways than the one I’d imagined . My family are amazing and as I’ve said before, I really couldn’t imagine living my life without their love and support. I’m proud of them all and how they continue day after day to live their lives to the full. I know Anna would want that for them and she really would have ‘told them off’, in her own style, (she had a way with words!) if they had moped around and not just ‘got on with it’. Her last words to me were ‘Don’t be sad mum’ – well, Anna, I am, but not all the time. I’m trying every day to be as strong as you were. By the way, you would have loved Heidi Anna to bits – Great Aunty Anna xxxx
I’ll finish now and I hope you’ll forgive an old lady’s ramblings xx
Stay safe everyone and if you can bear reading more of my random thoughts, I’ll write again soon xx
Have a happy and healthy 2021 xxx
